You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
