I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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