he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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