i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
