i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
