apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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