Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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