I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
