Will you blow on my dice?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
