A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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