I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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