I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
