When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
