I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
