he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
