Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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