I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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