I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
