it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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