Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
