I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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