last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
