rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize