i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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