He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
there is glitter all over my balls
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
