I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
