do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
