You're completely useless in the revolution.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
