new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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