i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
