My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
how does that bad decision feel?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
