I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize