True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
