genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
