i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
