After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
