ugly people sure do ruin things
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
