Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
