i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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