Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
