So drunk its hurt
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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