Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
