Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
