Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize