so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
