Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
