Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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