I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize