At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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