Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Two words: blizzard sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
