watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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