Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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