and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
