I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
