Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
