I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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