I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize